


When All Else Fails

by twerkteamlevi



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, not much to it honestly, this is just fluffy and nerdy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 15:54:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8378191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twerkteamlevi/pseuds/twerkteamlevi
Summary: I have been in love with him since I could understand what love was-which was around age 11.I know everything there is to know. I know Nagisa so well, I could write a book on his favorite things and every detail about his personality.But Nagisa didn’t even know I existed.Well, that’s technically not true.He knows I exist, that I’m a person somewhere in the world-but he’s never seen my face. I don’t want him to. Especially since we go to the same school.aka Rei is in love with Nagisa and Nagisa doesn't know what he looks like or that they go to the same school. Until he does.





	

I have been in love with him since I could understand what love was-which was around age 11.  
I know everything there is to know. I know Nagisa so well, I could write a book on his favorite things and every detail about his personality.  
But Nagisa didn’t even know I existed.  
Well, that’s technically not true.  
He knows I exist, that I’m a person somewhere in the world-but he’s never seen my face. I don’t want him to. Especially since we go to the same school.  
When I started my first year of highschool, I found him in an online chat room, and somehow we got to talking.  
That was two years ago. I’m in my second year now, and he’s in his third.  
I’ve never let him see my face, never told him what I look like or anything. He doesn’t even know I go to the same school as him. Hell, he doesn’t even know I live in the same town as him.  
I chewed on the end of my pencil as I considered texting him again. I wanted to wait until lunch, but my phone had been vibrating to alert me I had a text every few minutes. And only he and my mother had my cell number.  
I decided it’d be best to wait, just in case I got caught.  
I suffered through third period math, fourth period english IV-which was a class I had with him, and anytime I saw him check his phone I would flush, hoping he wanted it to be from me, that the disappointed look on his face was because the message came from someone else-fifth period Field Biology, before finally making it to lunch.  
I sat by myself most of the time, though sometimes one of the cheerleaders-Gou-would come talk to me since she was president of the student council and she caught on that I was socially inept.  
I didn’t ever bother eating. It embarrassed me to eat in front of others, and most of the time I felt better eating in the privacy of my home.  
So as soon as I sat at my table-the one closest to the door-I pulled my phone out, chuckling at the sight of how many messages Nagisa had sent me: 22.  
‘Morning! I hope you slept well.’  
‘How are you? I hope you had a good breakfast as well.’  
‘What are you up to?’  
And several more that said things along the same line. I pulled out a pack of gum from my bag and grabbed a piece, unwrapping it as I finally sent a reply.  
‘Calm down, Nagisa! I woke up late and had to rush to school.’  
I locked my phone, clutching it tightly as I stood to walk across the entire cafe to get to a garbage can and throw away my gum wrapper-I thought it would be silly if I didn’t, since I didn’t have anything better to do.  
As I headed back, my phone buzzed, and in the few seconds I glanced to see the sender, someone slammed into me, somehow managing to get half their lunch on my shirt as I fell back on the floor.  
Me, being the uncoordinated person that I am, hit my head on the floor, and I had to lay there stunned for a moment before my vision came back and I was able to sit up.  
“God, I’m so sorry,” I recognize the voice, and blinking my eyes open, I nearly gasp as he continues talking, “I was distracted and I’m so sorry, I didn’t even watch where I was going and-”  
“It’s fine,” I finally manage.  
Those are the first words I have ever spoken to him. To Nagisa.  
He crouched down a bit, offering me a hand, “Let me at least walk you to the nurse.”  
I gulp before taking it, shaking my head as I realize how many people were currently staring. My fall had caused a scene and it made my anxiety sky rocket. I mumble an, “I’m fine,” before reaching down to grab my phone.  
Suddenly there are warm fingers against the side of my head, and I immediately stiffen, “Your head is bleeding.”  
“Ah, I can walk by myself,” I insist as I head towards the door.  
Nagisa chases after me, finally catching me in the hallway by the school monitor. Before I can say anything, he speaks for me, “He fell and I’m just walking him to the nurse. If you could please send a custodian to clean up the mess before someone else slips, that would be wonderful.”  
The sound of his voice makes my heart race. I stare at him intently as the monitor says something to him, falling on my deaf ears because I’m so entranced. I’ve never gotten to see him this close. I’d seen photos of him, sure, but never in real life.  
He’s beautiful.  
My heart stops as he grabs my arm, face obviously a bright red as he guides me down the hallway, “You didn’t need t-”  
“I insist. I have a shirt I can lend you in my locker that might fit you, so as soon as I drop you off at the nurse’s office and explain this whole mess, I can go get it for you.”  
I open my mouth to deny his polite offer, but he’s already holding open the door for me, rushing me in and insisting I sit on one of the cots so the nurse can make sure my head isn’t that bad.  
“I’ll be right back,” he says after explaining everything to the nurse, turning and heading out into the hallway.  
“You’re lucky you don’t have a concussion, mister,” the nurse smiled at me as she placed a butterfly bandage on my temple, “I’ve never seen you in here. What year are you?”  
“Second,” I mumble as she has me lay back.  
“And you’ve never had to come in? Good for you. Now, do you want me to call an-”  
“No!” I wave my hands frantically, internally panicking at the thought of bothering or worrying my mother. “No, it’s ok. I don’t w-”  
The door to the nurse’s office opened suddenly, cutting me off. Nagisa stepped inside, avoiding my gaze. “I brought this for you.”  
He held out the shirt for me, and I hesitantly took it, glancing down at my ruined shirt, “T-thanks.”  
The nurse wrote him a pass, since the bell had rung already, and before leaving asked me, “What’s your name?”  
“Oh, uh,” I froze for a moment, “R-Rei.”  
“Well, I’m sorry again, Rei. Seeya,” he waved before stepping out into the hall, my heart still pounding as I thanked myself for telling him when we started messaging each other my middle name-Cain-instead of my first. This made things so much easier.  
For now, anyways.

 

~

 

As soon as I arrived home, I bolted to my room before closing the door quietly. My head hurt and I all I wanted to do was talk to Nagisa. That’s genuinely all I cared about.  
I just hoped my closed door would ward off any unwanted visitors-like my parents.  
I fell back on my bed, head pounding as I read the most recent message from Nagisa:  
‘I just had the worst and best day of my life.”  
I smiled to myself.  
This was one thing I liked about Nagisa. He always managed to make the best out of things.  
‘Why?’ I typed in response. His reply was almost instant:  
‘I completely embarrassed myself in the lunchroom, for one. I really feel awful about it.’  
I rolled my eyes. The dork was still making a big deal about.  
‘I am sure it was not that bad. What was the good part?’  
Nagisa: ‘I met a really cute person today. I just hope I have the courage to talk to them again’  
My stomach dropped at the thought of Nagisa liking someone. Of him dating someone. Someone that wasn’t me. I liked him too much and I wish I could say something, but the anxiety that came with that feeling was too overwhelming.  
‘Oh? I am sure you can do it! I believe in you!’  
Typing those words almost physically pained me. But his happiness came before mine.  
‘Really?’  
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I typed a ‘yes’ in reply. I never had a chance. He didn’t even know me. Could never know me because all I would ever do is embarrass myself and he’d realize how stupid and ridiculous I really am in person.  
No. I wouldn’t let him know it was me.  
Nagisa: ‘You are right! I will definitely be sure to tell him how I feel as soon as possible.’  
I ran my hand through my hair, stomach bubbling up nervously.  
So it was a guy. Maybe it was Rin? He is new and I saw him speaking to Nagisa in the hall today.  
It took a lot of courage for me to type a reply, ‘What is he like?’  
Nagisa: ‘He is just really cute and sweet. I would explain more but I have to go help with dinner. Talk to you later!’  
I sighed as I locked my phone, rolling on my side as I closed my eyes. Maybe if I took a nap my nerves would fade away. Then I could get up, eat, do homework, and get ready for bed.

 

~

 

I hadn’t woken up like I thought I would. I slept through the entire night, and now it was morning. I was starving. And I realized I was still wearing Nagisa’s shirt. Should I give it back?  
I groaned as I checked my phone, noticing Nagisa’s usual ‘good morning’ text before responding, ‘Sorry! I slept through the entire night and have not eaten since breakfast yesterday! I will talk to you later.’  
The rest of the morning went by in a blur, which I was thankful for because all I was looking forward to was seeing Nagisa in english. I had his shirt in my bag, and I felt bad because I hadn’t had time to wash it before returning it.  
I was fiddling with my pen cap nervously as I stared down at my study guide. The teacher had given us the period to study for a really big essay tomorrow, which I was definitely not prepared for.  
Suddenly someone sat next me, and I looked up frantically, catching sight of the magenta eyes that I loved so much. My eyes were wide, because I still couldn’t believe he wanted to be near me and-oh. I still had his shirt.  
He probably just wanted it back.  
“How are you?” He said suddenly,catching me off guard.  
“I’m alright. W-what about you?” I was nearly shaking, which I tried my best to conceal.  
“I’m fine. I’m sorry about yesterday, I really do feel bad. But I was wondering-”  
I cut him off, my voice quiet, “I have your shirt in my bag.”  
“What? Oh, yeah,” he stared at me intently as I leaned down to pull it from my backpack. Once I had handed it back, I expected to him to go back to sitting by his friends, but he remained where he was. I almost jumped when he spoke, “I was wondering if you-well if maybe you’d like to get together and perhaps study.”  
My face was burning, I could feel it. I could only stare at him, heart already out the door and probably running a marathon now.  
When he cleared his throat, I finally found my voice, “U-u-uhm, yeah.”  
He was only asking as a friend thing, but that was more than enough for me.  
“Great! Do you want to give me your number, or-?”  
I cut him off again, “No! Uhm, how about I just write down my address?”  
If I gave him my number, he would only realize that the number was the same as Cain’s-it was mine and I couldn’t let him work that out. So I tore a sheet of paper from my notebook, scribbling down my address before handing it to him.  
He opened his mouth to speak but the bell was already ringing, and I threw my things in my bag before rushing out.

 

~

 

At lunch, I caught him looking at me. Twice. Gods, he must think I’m an idiot already. He is probably regretting ever asking me to study with him and oh my god he is walking to my table shit shit shit-  
“Hey,” his smile made me melt as he sat down next to me, dropping his bag on the table.  
He was most likely here to tell me he didn’t want to study with an idiot like me oh god-  
“Do you not have a lunch?” He tilted his head at me, and I finally decided to speak up. Wait no don’t talk.  
I shook my head, rubbing the back of neck before I picked at a pill on the sleeve of my sweater, something I did when I was extremely nervous, “Nah. School food grosses me out.”  
“Why not pack your own?” He was leaning on his hand with his elbow resting on the table, eyes trained on me.  
I gulped, looking anywhere but his eyes, “I don’t wake up early enough to actually do that.”  
He chuckled softly, and it made my stomach flip. Like literally I am pretty sure my stomach just did a 360 turn. Even though that is physically impossible  
Just then the bell rang, and gods was I thankful it did.

 

~

 

I was unchaining my bike when I felt a hand on my shoulder, nearly jumping out of my own skin as I turned to see Nagisa-of course, the only boy I was avoiding the last half of the day.  
“Where is your neighborhood? I can walk with you,” he offered, once again, his smile making my heart thump wildly.  
I gulp, taking a moment to calm my anxiety. I just let myself feel the wind, loving the smell of the cherry blossoms-which were regrettably starting to wilt, the petals caught in the wind.  
“It’s just a couple blocks that way,” I finally spoke once I had calmed down enough, pointing towards the direction of my house.  
He nodded and waited for me to finish with my bike, walking alongside me-instead of opposite the bike from me!- and started asking me different questions, “So, do you have any siblings?”  
I nodded, “I have a brother. He’s moved out already.” I didn’t bother asking anything in response because I already knew the answers: Nagisa had three sisters, the last who had left for college the year I met him.  
“Well, what do you like to do for fun?”  
I shrugged, watching the tires on my bike spin as I walked, “I like to color or paint.”  
“Color?” Nagisa looked at me strangely.  
“Like coloring books? I know, it’s silly, but it’s fun. My mom got me these adult coloring books for my birthday and I absolutely love them. She got me these really wicked gel pens, too. I wanted watercolor pencils but she was against it since it’s so messy and such,” I stopped, realizing I was babbling, “S-sorry.”  
Nagisa laughed, and I knew that was the most beautiful thing I’d ever hear in my life, “No, it’s ok. You actually remind me of one of my close friends. Well, sort of.”  
I gulped, “Sort of?”  
“Well, we’re really close and I like him alot-and I mean a lot. But he won’t ever let me see him and I know I should move on because he might be some 50 year old 100 miles away, but…” He shrugged, hand reaching up to run through his hair.  
I was trembling.  
He couldn’t be talking about me, could he?  
But who else could it be?  
“What’s he like?” I pondered the subject as we came closer to my house. It was just down the block and to the left. I had little time to get information from him about this friend.  
“Oh,” Nagisa chuckled again, scratching the back of his head, “well, like I said, you remind me of him. But he’s probably the most open and honest person I know. He’s quirky-he likes really weird stuff. Like...he collects pinback buttons? And he really loves swimming but says he could never join a team. I’m not sure why,” Nagisa paused as we came up to my door, “Jeese, sorry. I probably shouldn’t be talking about some other guy when I’m on a date.”  
I leaned the bike against the side of my house, back turned to him. I press my cold hands to my cheeks, almost like I’m trying to press the blush away.  
He said date.  
He couldn’t have meant that.  
It takes me a minute before I’m able to turn around, brush past him, and unlock the door. “ Ma?”  
No reply. Super. I get to be alone with my near lifetime crush and embarrass the shit out of myself.  
Once we’re both inside, I close the door and lock it, before toeing off my shoes and heading for the dining room. I slip into one of the chairs, turning to smile at Nagisa, “You can sit wherever.”  
He nods, and I notice his faint smile-???. Once he gets settled I pull out my book from English, as well as my untouched study guide.  
He chuckles at that, but continues to do the same, “You really hate english that much?”  
I don’t respond. I love homework beyond belief.  
“Well most of the answers to the study guide are in chapter 6, so just reread it. Refresh your memory.”  
I nod, grabbing my copy of The Catcher in the Rye before opening to chapter 6 and beginning to read.  
Several moments pass before I feel a hand in my hair, and I again almost jump out of my own skin. My eyes snap up to look at Nagisa, expression asking for an explanation.  
“You had a cherry blossom in your hair,” he held out the petal to me, smiling kindly.  
My face was red as I went back to reading, using the book to cover my face.  
By the time I was done with the ten or so pages, Nagisa was already almost done with the study guide.  
I’m an idiot. He’s a genius and he is about to realize how stupid I am and bail because he doesn’t want to be around my sorry ass.  
“Let me know if you need help with anything,” he finally offers, breaking the silence.  
I nod before beginning to work on it, noticing in the corner of my eye that he’s working on homework for another class already. I groan internally, and by the seventh question, I know I’m done for.  
English has never been my strong subject,  
no matter how hard I tried. Math and science were the only things I seemed to be good at.  
He must be able to tell because he rose an eyebrow before moving to stand behind me. He leaned against the table with one arm as he spoke, “Which one are you stuck on?”  
Even his arms are beautiful. His muscles must have been sculpted by gods. I’m finally pulled from my trance when Nagisa pokes my cheek.  
I sigh, glaring down at the paper, pointing to the problem that was making me scream inside, “This.”  
“‘The meaning behind the red cap he wears?” Nagisa smiles softly. “Well, what do you think?”  
I groan, “I don’t know. Maybe...his strength as an individual?”  
He laughs directly in my ear, the noise sending chills down my spine, “See, I told you you knew it.”  
I sigh happily, turning my head to thank him. I realize then how close he is, and it sends my heart running.  
His eyes are locked with mine as he starts to lean closer-oh gods shit what fuck oh my shit-  
I don’t know what to do, so I quickly turn my head away, face burning red as I mumble, “Thanks.”  
He goes to sit back down across from me, and I can’t even look at him for twenty minutes, until he glances at his phone and says, “My ride is here.”  
I nod, watching silently as he gathers his stuff. I walk with him to the door. He’s still looking at his phone, and suddenly I hear a ‘ping’, and realize that he probably just sent a message to me. I just hoped he didn’t notice and piece things together.  
He glances up at me, smiling as I open the door, “I’ll see you tomorrow!” And rushes to the awaiting car at the curb.  
I notice that It’s Rin driving, and inwardly I feel like crying.  
I sigh as I close the door, rushing to check my phone:  
‘Cain! I took your advice and I failed miserably.’  
I giggled as I typed a reply,  
‘I am sure everything was fine!’  
I set my phone down as I put everything back in my backpack before setting it by the door and heading to my room.  
*PING*  
I glance at the screen as I fall back on my bed,  
‘No! I asked to study with him-’  
I stop reading, my heart stopping. I’m sure it stopped for at least a minute solid.  
It was me. He thought I was cute oh my shit holy fuck ahhh  
This is the point where I consider telling him who I am. But wouldn’t he hate me for lying to him for so long?  
I start to reread the message again:  
‘No! I asked to study with him, and he said yes-miraculously-and I tried to imply my crush on him by saying it was a date but he brushed it off. And then when I came close to kissing him he brushed that off, too.’  
I gulped. I hadn’t exactly realized that he wanted to do that.  
Had intentionally wanted to kiss me-oh my god, he wanted to kiss me.  
My hands are shaking as I type a response,  
‘Maybe he’s embarrassed? Sometimes people aren’t sure what to do in those situations because they’ve never experienced it before.’  
‘So you are saying he rejected my advances because he hasn’t ever kissed anyone?’  
‘Yes.’  
‘Have you ever kissed anyone?’  
‘No, I haven’t. Have you?’  
‘I mean, no. But I have seen enough of it to understand.’  
‘So why him?’  
‘What?’  
‘Why’d you try to kiss him?’  
‘Oh. I guess because he reminded me of you.  
Wait  
I didn't mean  
I'm sorry’  
‘I wouldn’t mind.’ I’m pretty sure my heart had entirely quit it’s job now.  
I start to get fidgety after he doesn’t respond for a few minutes. Within ten minutes, I have to sit up and start rocking back and forth to fight the oncoming anxiety attack I’m about to have.  
My phone pings again, and I try not to seem too eager when I check it:  
‘Can I see you?’  
My eyes go wide at that, and I drop my phone on the floor as I continue to rock.  
I’m not sure how much time passes before I finally calm down. The best reply I can manage to type is:  
‘Are you sure?’  
My heart is in my throat now, but at least I can lay back down.  
‘Yes, I’m sure!’  
I chew on my lip nervously,  
‘Ok.’  
I lay on my side, phone clutched tight in my hand as I wait for his response.  
Why had I said yes? This was such a bad idea, oh shit.  
‘Can you video chat tomorrow night?’  
I wasn’t sure if I was mentally prepared for that, but I still managed to type a ‘yes’ in reply.  
‘Great! I will let you know when I get home, ok?’  
I don’t bother responding for the rest of the night, anxiety too high for me to even acknowledge my mom when she leaned in my doorway to check on me.

 

~

 

The next day, in english, I am glad Nagisa doesn’t get the chance to talk to me, since we had the essay.  
I walked out of that class feeling confident I at least passed.  
By the time lunch rolled around, however, my anxiety from the night before came back tenfold, and I didn’t even look up from my phone-which, mind you, was still locked-clutched tightly in my hands, when Nagisa came to sit next to me again.  
“Hey,” I heard him say shyly.  
I nodded slightly in response.  
“Hey, I’m really sorry if I-scared you, at all, yesterday.”  
I bite my lip as I finally look up at him and oh gods why did I have to look into those eyes shit-  
“I was wondering if I could make it up to you by taking you out to get food or something,” and he was giving me these wide, doe eyes and how could I even try to say no to that?  
I nodded, finally finding the courage to speak since my anxiety had calmed a bit, “Sure. How about tonight?”  
I watched as he bit his lip and boy that was the most adorable thing ever, “I have plans, but I could probably push them back.”  
I looked down at my phone again, laughing softly, “Whatever works.”  
“Good. I’ll pick you up after school, then?” The smile on his face made me giggle even more.  
I nodded, and just then the bell rang.

 

~

 

“Aren’t you cold?” Nagisa had asked me as we walked outside.  
I was wearing a short sleeve shirt, my butterfly one with my name on it that I wore for good luck. I guess I was a bit chilly, since it was a little cold out, so I told him.  
I wasn’t sure where we were going, I just followed him as we walked towards downtown.  
By the time I got there, I was giddy with excitement.  
A garden.  
I couldn’t believe it! I really couldn’t help grinning like an idiot.  
Nagisa chuckled as he saw my expression, “I take it you’re ok with my choice then?”  
I nodded vigorously, “Definitely.”  
He refused to let me pay for myself, although my mother had given me money because she wasn’t sure if it was a date or not. To be honest, I wasn't sure either. But I knew now.  
We walked around for quite a bit, anytime I got excited I would tug on Nagisa’s sleeve and make him stay for a minute while I observed with wonder.  
But once we got to the front room-oh, I was too excited for words.  
I smiled, now clutching Nagisa’s arm in search of warmth.  
The Exhibit was outside , so I was shaking from the cold.  
Suddenly I was warm again, and I realized Nagisa had draped his jacket over my shoulders, and for once I had no nerves as I smiled at him thankfully. I couldn’t believe it fit me, but he did wear clothes too big for him.  
We stayed for a little while longer before it started getting dark out, and Nagisa insisted he walk me home.  
“I had a really great time tonight. Thank you,” I muttered as I buried my face in my jacket-his jacket.  
“Least I could do. I didn’t mean to scare you at all,” Nagisa sighed again, that frown returning and a crease between his eyebrows forming.  
I was standing on my porch,while Nagisa stood next to me. So I leaned closer, using my thumb to smooth the crease over, and he smiled instead.  
“You didn’t scare me,” I insisted, biting my lip as I let my hand fall to his shoulder. My heart was in my throat again. Could I do this? Was I going to?  
I noticed the way his eyes glanced between my eyes and my lips as he reached up to hold my face in his hands, “Can I-?”  
I closed the gap between us before he could finish, my lips pressed to his and they were so warm. Why was I so nervous? Kissing him came so naturally and gods I was beginning to become lightheaded, completely out of breath but the way his lips moved against mine-it was miraculous.  
He pulled away, both of us gasping for air before he spoke, “Can we...do that again, sometime?”  
I chuckled, “The kissing or the date?”  
His face flushed red, and I smirked at that. I leaned forward to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth before turning and heading inside.  
I fell back against the door, letting my eyes close.  
Gods, this was the best day of my life. I hadn’t ever been so comfortable with someone. But I guess it was because I had known him for so long.  
I sat there for several moments before my phone alerted me, telling me I had a text.  
Shiiiiit.  
I still had to see him tonight. I had to find one hell of a good reason to explain the whole thing, and I needed to fast.  
‘I am almost home. I’ll call you as soon as I get in?’  
I gulped, typing a shaky ‘yes’ in response before heading to the kitchen to talk to my mom for a minute.  
“So how did your not-date go?” She smiled at me. She was standing by the stove, stirring something in the pot.  
“Uhm, pretty well? He, uh...well he kissed me,” I avoided her knowing smile, picking at a hangnail.  
“And?” She probed further, before my phone went off with the ring of a video call.  
Shit.  
“Uhm, I gotta go! But I promise I’ll tell you all about it later,” I rushed upstairs to my room, shutting the door before diving onto my bed.  
I hadn’t rejected the call, but he must have hung up because he was texting me again.  
‘Sorry if it’s sudden.’  
‘Do I need to wait until later?’  
Suddenly he was calling again, but I realized that I couldn’t do this.  
With trembling hands, I rejected his call, rolling over onto my back as my heart began to race, and my stomach felt like exploding. I got up to pace my room, throwing my phone on my bed.  
I was having a panic attack and dear gods I was in big trouble and now he’d hate Cain-me. And I feel like my heart is gonna stop and what if he finds out? What if he hates me forever and tells everyone at school I’m just a worthless piece of shit oh fuck-  
My hyperventilating had started the moment I got up from my bed, and I was becoming dizzy now. But I just kept moving because if I sat down I’d feel worse. I chewed on my nails nervously as my phone started ringing again, and suddenly I realized I was crying.  
I can’t see him anymore.  
I’d have to tell him I couldn’t message him anymore, and then-  
Without any warning I blacked out, falling to the floor with a thud. I couldn’t even move as I stared at the bottom of my dresser, couldn’t say anything when my mother came in, shaking me to get me to talk, to move, to do something.  
I don’t wanna do this anymore.  
I let my eyes close, hoping that when I woke up, everything would be ok.

 

~

 

“I’m just happy he’s ok. But what can we even do?” I woke up to the sound of my mom’s voice, the smell of disinfectant, and the feel of stiff sheets beneath me and wrapped around me loosely.  
I felt a slight stinging in my arm as I sat up, and I looked to notice there was an IV in it before glancing around the room.  
I was in a hospital room-the ER, most likely-and my mother sat on a chair that didn’t exactly look comfortable while she spoke to a doctor who stood in the doorway.  
Immediately my anxiety skyrocketed as I tried to recall just what had happened exactly.  
“Well, there are some programs here he could attend during the day to help him learn to cope with it, but other than that, just let him stay home and rest for a couple days,” the doctor offered, before noticing I was awake.  
He came over, smiling softly at me, “How are you feeling?”  
I swallowed the lump in my throat, glancing at my mother. She look terrified. Why had I done this? It only stressed her out more and interfered with her work and our family. I looked at the doctor before muttering, “I’m fine. When can I go home?”  
The doctor turned to look at my mother before looking back at me, “I can get your discharge papers right now, but it might be a few hours before everything is settled. That alright?”  
I nodded, staring at the lint I was picking at on the blanket, “Thanks.”  
He turned to leave, and almost immediately my mother bombarded me with questions, “Rei, why didn’t you say anything? I knew it was hard for you to talk to people at school and make friends, and I was so happy when you told me you had a date. Why is it I’m just now finding out your anxiety is this bad?”  
I nearly flinched at her stern tone, “I’m sorry, ma. I didn’t think it was this bad either,” I lied.  
I always knew how bad it was. Ever since I started lying to Nagisa about me being ‘Cain’, I knew that I would most likely never make any friends.  
She sighed, rubbing her forehead, “Well, it doesn’t matter. How long do you want to take off school?”  
I bit my lip, nails digging into my palm as I held back saying, ‘Forever’. “Maybe just for the rest of this week and next week?”  
“I suppose that’s alright. Did you want to go through any of the programs here? The doctor said they were all very helpful.”  
I shook my head fervently, and I knew that was the end of the conversation for now.  
She stood, walking over to me and hugging me before handing me my phone, “Nagisa called you at least 20 times. I was too busy to answer, but you should call him. I’m gonna go get your paperwork settled, ok?”  
I nodded as she turned and left the room. I gulped before looking down at my phone to see I did in fact have 20 missed video calls, as well as 43 texts and even a phone call.  
I set my phone down on the bed gently, too wracked with nerves at the moment to do much else but lay there and shake.  
It started going off, and I knew he was calling again.  
I could answer, tell him I didn’t want to talk anymore. At all.  
That would be best, honestly.  
So I snatch the phone, answering the call.

 

~

 

((Nagisa’s POV))

 

My heart stops when he answers.  
“H-hello?” I can’t help the tremble in my voice.  
This is the first time I’ve ever called him and he’s answered. I can’t believe it.  
“Hi,” Cain’s voice is comfortably familiar, and it calms me immediately.  
“Why haven’t you been replying? It’s been almost three days and I haven’t heard from you. I was so-”  
“Nagisa,” he says firmly.  
Something tells me that whatever he’s about to say isn’t gonna be good, “Yeah?”  
“I...I don’t want to talk anymore.”  
My stomach drops. Not in the nice way it does when you’re at the peak of the rollercoaster and it dives suddenly. This was like someone was ripping it out of me.  
“W-what?” Is all I can manage in response.  
“I don’t want to talk to you anymore,” he repeats.  
I can’t breathe. Never in my life have I felt more desperate than right now, “Wait, why? Was it something I did or said?”  
I can’t lose him. I can’t. He’s my best friend and I love him and I can’t lose him ever. I don’t care if he’s some nutjob, the person I know in him-I’m in love with him.  
“No. I just can’t talk to you at all. Ever.” I can tell he’s about to end the call.  
“W-w-wait! Wait,” I say it more calmly the second time, “Please, I can’t lose you. I-I love you.”  
I can hear his breath hitch, and I want to say something, but I can’t think of anything before he speaks, “Goodbye, Nagisa.”  
The line goes dead.  
I run a hand through my hair as I fall back on my bed, head reeling as I try to figure what just happened. Why it happened.  
I feel like a huge part of me was just torn out-which is impossible, but it hurts nonetheless.  
I just lost my best friend.  
I turn to lay on my side, curling into a ball as I start to cry.  
I try to find the bright side, here. Try to work out a way that this will benefit me and I can’t find anything.  
I cry until I am able to fall asleep.

 

~

 

It’s Saturday-around lunch- when Nagisa shows up on my front porch, a manilla envelope in his hand.  
“I brought you your homework. And the teacher told me you aced your english essay,” he smiled softly, holding it out to me.  
I took it without looking him in the eye, “Thanks.”  
I start to close the door, but his non-hesitant, “Wait!” makes me freeze.  
“How come you haven’t been at school?”  
“I was in hospital. You should-” I begin, before I hear my mother behind me and inwardly curse.  
Shit.  
“Rei, who is this?” She’s standing behind me, and I know she’s smiling at him, I can just tell.  
He holds out his hand and she reaches out to shake it, “I’m Nagisa.”  
“Oh, I’m so glad you came to visit! Rei’s been having a tough time since he got out of hospital, and having a, uhm-friend, over, will definitely help him!” I groan at her enthusiasm. “Why don’t you stay for lunch?”  
Fuuuuuucckk.  
“If that’s alright with Rei,” he smiles at me sweetly, reaching up to fix his hair and gods that is adorable.  
I can’t even manage a response as I hear my mother turn and head back into the kitchen. And suddenly my brother comes up behind me-and shit I forgot he just came home for the weekend.  
“Ooooo, who’s this? Is this that boy that took you on a date?” My brother says before I can even speak to Nagisa.  
I nod, turning and about to head for my room when my mother shouts, “Rei! Don’t be rude to your guest!”  
Why the fuck was she making this so hard for me?  
“I’m just going to my room,” I shout back, and I don’t say anything as Nagisa slips off his shoes and follows me upstairs.  
When I get to my room, I immediately sit on my bed and wrap myself in a blanket, not saying a word as Nagisa comes in and closes the door behind him.  
I couldn’t look at him. I knew if I did I would only want to be closer to him.  
“So,” he begins, standing awkwardly for a moment before leaning against my desk, “how come you were in hospital?”  
“I passed out,” I mutter, picking at a hangnail.  
“Oh my gosh, why? What happened?” I risk looking up at him and boy do I regret it.  
The worried look on his face shatters my heart.  
“Uhm...I had a panic attack and blacked out,” I finally manage to say, still looking at him.  
He watches me intently, and my stomach drops as he crosses the room and says, “May I?” Gesturing to the bed.  
I nod-regrettably?-before he sits down and probes further, “Was there something that made you anxious?”  
I nod, not saying anything more.  
Nagisa reaches out to take my hand, and by now my heart is in my throat, “Hey, I’m really happy you’re ok.”  
I can’t even manage to pull my hand away.  
But I’m trembling, and I can feel another panic attack coming, so I look away and hope he doesn’t notice how bad I’m shaking.  
“Rei? Is something wrong?” And fuck, he’s noticed.  
I nod. Why do I nod??? And suddenly he has his arms wrapped around me, and his voice is quiet when he speaks, “I’m here. You can do this, ok? I believe in you.”  
“Shit,” I mutter, burying my face in his chest and trying my best not to cry.  
He pets my hair, and if that doesn’t make me melt further into his embrace, I don’t know what does, “Do you wanna talk about it?”  
I shake my head. Several minutes pass before my mother is knocking on the door, calling out, “Lunch is ready. Come down whenever.”  
I’ve stopped shaking at least, and when Nagisa pulls way to look at me, he’s holding my face in his hands, “What is it?”  
I close my eyes to fight off more tears, and when I open them he’s still there, “Why are you so nice to me?”  
He chuckles, and when he kisses my forehead I just want to cry even more than before, “Because, Rei,” he hugs me tightly, “I like you.”  
I pull away, hesitantly kissing him, doing my best to enjoy every second, because after he leaves, I won’t ever talk to him again.  
But then he’s holding me closer and kissing me back, and I’m not sure how much time passes but we’re still kissing, and I’m sinking further and further into him and his hands are on my waist and mine are in his hair and he’s suddenly my whole world.  
Nothing else exists beyond him and I don’t want it any other way.  
The blanket has fallen from my shoulders, and by now we’re both panting. When I pull away, his eyes are wide and suddenly he’s talking, “Why does it feel like I’ve known you forever?”  
I gulped, turning my head away, “I don’t-”  
I hear my mom shouting from downstairs, and she’s saying my full name and Nagisa is looking at me and I feel like crying all over again.  
“Wait, is that-no...what?”  
I play it off as casually as I can, “What?”  
He shakes his head, and I sigh in relief inwardly, “Nothing.”  
“We should go downstairs,” I mutter, standing from the bed and rushing downstairs before he can say anything more.  
Lunch passes by in a blur, and ma offers to take me and Nagisa to a movie since she was going out with my brother shopping.  
I didn’t think I could handle going out in public, so I denied her offer.  
What a bad idea.  
Because now I’m sitting in my room, picking at a stray string on my comforter, and I know he’s staring at me.  
“Do you want me to leave?” He says quietly.  
I shake my head. Why??? Gods, I’m stupid.  
“Why don’t we do something then?”  
I can’t look at him, because I am so bad at these things.  
“Rei, I have a question,” Nagisa says, and immediately my heart plummets.  
“Y-yeah?” I turn to look at him again, and the way he’s fiddling with the end of his shirt is so cute and gods I want to kiss him again.  
“Do you want to date me?” He says nervously, reaching up to run his hand through his hair.  
I giggle, and for some odd reason I’m not nervous when I scoot closer to kiss his cheek, “Isn’t that a bit obvious, considering we’ve openly made out? Twice, I might add.”  
He flushes a beautiful red as he turns to look at me, a small smile playing across his lips, “I suppose so. I thought it scared you.”  
“Does it scare you?” I lean back, suddenly afraid I had fucked up and oh shit he didn’t even want me to, shit.  
He shakes his head, and I feel better, no reassurance needed.  
I’ve known Nagisa for years. I’ve been in love with him for forever. And now that I know he’s ok with kissing me, that’s all I want to do.  
But he doesn’t realize how well he knows me. Would it scare him if I tried to kiss him again?  
“Rei?” And I realize he’s playing with my hair, staring at my lips intently.  
“Hm?” I can’t help but lean into his touch.  
“Is it ok for me to perhaps...kiss you, again?” And the way he says it is so cute I can’t help but laugh.  
He looks nervous, but as soon I’m done with my fit of hysterical laughter, I nod, smiling at him, “As much as you’d like.”  
I almost immediately melt against him when his lips are suddenly on mine. It starts off sweet and gentle, but when I accidentally bite his lip, he moans and boy if that isn’t the best noise I’ve ever heard.  
Before I can second guess myself, he’s straddling me and his hands are at my waist and all the kissing is making me light headed. But I don’t ever want to stop.  
I feel like screaming his name when he moves to kiss my neck, and I know that come tomorrow I’ll have dark bruises on my skin.  
I’m gasping and completely out of breath, but I can’t help it when I roll my hips against his and he lets out a delicious moan.  
“Damn,” I mutter, as I realize how royally screwed I am.  
Nagisa pulls away, panting as he stares at me intently, “Is this ok? I mean, this is really quite fast but I feel like I know everything about you-”  
“You do,” I mutter, picking him up off of me before placing him on the bed next to me, snatching my blanket and wrapping it around myself.  
“What? Rei, I’ve known you all of seven days, how could I know anything about you?” Nagisa is staring at me, and I take a deep breath before saying the words I’ve been dreading.  
“I’m Cain.”  
“What?” I don’t bother looking at him, because I know how upset he looks.  
“I never said anything because I didn’t think you’d like the real me. And I never thought that you’d ever be ok but then the other day you asked me out and kissed me and I realized I should tell you but I couldn’t because I know you’d hate me. And I thought cutting all ties with you would work but I-” by now I’m full out balling, rocking back and forth slowly, “I love you and I don’t have the strength to give you up.”  
I’m not sure how long it’s silent. A couple minutes, maybe 20? Who knows?  
But then he says something, something I wasn’t expecting, “Prove it.”  
My heart is in my throat as I reach for my phone, which is laying on the floor. I open my messages, going to the ones under his name, before handing it to him.  
I bite my nails nervously as he scrolls through the messages, a little shaken because he isn’t angry yet.  
He drops the phone on my bed, tackling me, and honestly that will go in my book as the surprise of my life.  
His holds me for several moments before I can actually return the gesture, and once I do, he mutters, “I love you,” and I can’t help it when I start crying.  
He pulls away, eyes going wide as he helps me sit up, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you.”  
I laugh bitterly, wiping my eyes before throwing my arms around him, “No. I’m happy. I’m so happy.”  
Nagisa smiles, burying his face in my hair, and I swear this is the best moment in my life.  
Up until he pulls away, gripping me by my shoulders, “I wish you would have told me sooner!” And suddenly he’s kissing me, “I’ve been missing out on so much.”


End file.
